Poetry

Why do you make me feel like this?
I’ve given you immense love, convulsive feels
And you let me down with the weight of a decisive hammer
Like Zeus raping the young nymphs
You steal my innocence, my joy, my trust
Which you found in the safest, darkest parts of me
Worked out with subtle, professional agitation
A child drawn to Buffalo Bill’s candy
To be fucking brutalized and ass-raped in a dingy van
In your fucking mind

You give me your candy and I’ll follow you babe
Two drops of sweetness and I’m all yours
Like a fucking pathetic dog getting kicked in the ribs
You tempt me with your sweetness
With your years long lies of reassurance
Forgoing joy after joy, Plato, Love
On an endlessly dying hope
A fish ripped open guts hanging from a rusty spear

Abandoned in the middle of the ocean
Slowly aging into pained renunciation
There’s really not much left for me to do but write out my pain
I’ve tried to love you
And I’ve tried to leave you
And in both cases I fall for your sweet words
For your power-hungry reassurance
“Look at what I can do, you fucking fool”
“If I can destroy you like this, imagine what I can do”

I’m your doll of emotional violence
An endless local of torturous vengeance
And gas-lit emotional neglect

You’ve turned me into a vague shadow of myself
A destitute renunciation of my power
What started as a joke has become all to real
All to deep
This sense that nobody loves me, that I’m alone
You’ve let down my trust for the last time…this hour
I’ll be back for more, whether I want to or not
The decision is undercut by malevolence

So have your knife to your heart
‘Cause that’s where I’ll be
Slice me like rotting meat
And go ahead love, just treat our love like you want to
I can’t even beg anymore
And I have nowhere to turn
For I gave her away too, for you
And you gave me away
As the basic structure of our love
A never-ending disappointment
A never-ending loss of safety, of trust, of the will to life, of love