Prose

Heads, The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Hairpiece, in its 56 year mission to explore strange new scalps, to seek out new bald spot and new alternatives to Rogaine. To baldly go, where no wig has gone before!
Yes, it is I, Captain Weave, the true star of the trek scene, the glue holding the cast together all of these years, and the driving force behind the Bill we all know and love! Oh look, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning. I wasn’t always William Shatner’s toupee. I was born in a fancy, high-end wig shop and spent my childhood hung on a wall with lesser postiche. It was a typical day in my homeshop when, suddenly, in the distant past of 1958, a nervous looking, square-jawed man with a large black hat hustled in.
“Can I help you, sir?” asked an employee.
“Yes, I think… you CAN help me, this, um, timearoundmiss.” he said with an odd speech impediment and exaggerated movements. He tore the hat off, revealing his shiny bald head. Everyone within a 3 mile radius was blinded for a week, but how could I care about that when I had finally found the bald head of my dreams? Of course, the mysterious man took me, the most luxurious and convincing looking toupee, to cover his petty insecurities. And that’s how Bill and I met. We’ve been inseparable ever since! I’ve been through every type of media, from low budget shows to high budget blockbusters. I’ve been through six Star Trek films, undoubtedly making them the huge successes they were with my elegance and superb acting. I’m also responsible for all three of Bill’s wonderful albums! I would have sung instead of Bill, but I couldn’t. Copyright problems and the sort. We couldn’t really find a loophole for that one. I even made a few lifelong friends along the way of my work, like Spock’s bowlcut, and Bones’ brainy, Kennedy-like hairdo. We had the loveliest of conversations. I mean, Spock and Bones usually just argued about how logical they were while I sat and watched. In my opinion, they were both covering some pretty empty scalps. They were fine guys, but neither of those natural-haired fellows had the lustrous shine that brought me to starring roles. Even now, when my past glory has slightly faded, and I’m now the captain of Priceline commercials, I can still find the heart to look in the mirror, flash myself a heart-winning golden smile, and say “Live long and prosp-hair!”