Poetry

it's funny
how empty you can feel
even when
everything's going the way you want.
it's funny how sometimes
no matter how hard you try,
you just can't bring yourself to smile
and mean it.
it’s funny how i feel a heartbeat
but sometimes
when i looked in the mirror;
my eyes were dead,
and no amount of makeup could conceal that.
no amount of drugs,
alcohol,
or sex
could override that emptiness.
it’s incredible how much can change
over the course of just one year.
it’s beautiful what i’ve found.
what i found gave me hope
when i was sure there was none left.
its something that makes me feel alive.
it consumes me
and angers me
and mostly scares me beyond compare,
but it’s real.
it’s a feeling.
it’s a thousand feelings morphed into
one single word.
it’s the most empowering thing i’ve ever felt.
it brought me out of such a dark abyss
that i had presumed i’d stay in
for many more years to come.
it was the one thing that
kept me going
when i was ready to give up.
it’s the feeling of home
without a house,
because my house was never a home.
it’s what made me believe in myself.
it’s what gave me the power to control
each and every one of my feelings,
while at the same time
giving that power to someone else.
it’s what i know will destroy me with time,
but for now it all seems worth it.
it was falling in love for the first time,
and not knowing what to expect.
it’s writing shitty poems for people who
couldn’t care less,
but writing them anyway
to acknowledge that change is possible;
to acknowledge how much i’ve grown,
and to acknowledge that i am ten times better
than who i was just last year.
i have filled the holes that resided
throughout my soul,
and regained the life in my eyes.
i am now who i want to be.